Dear Future Husband or Ouch! My Nads

Dear Future Husband Reading This Letter After We’ve Been Married Several Years,

Sorry I couldn't give you any children. My ovaries went berserk nutz cuz I refused to accept that laptops had become “notebooks.” It was all very confusing because they still looked the same. I guess I should have kept the laptop, I mean notebook, away from my gonads like they told me at Best Buy. Either way, my thighs are really hot. But you already know that.

Love Always,

Your Still Smoking Hot Wife, Which Partially Makes Up For My Barren Desert of a Uterus,

Gina

PS: I’m not actually one of those girls who refers to herself as smokin’ hot, I’m just going by what others have told me.

Easy A - Movie Review

I fell asleep. Actually, I puked during most of it. It’s the perfect movie to watch during a New Year’s hangover because you won’t give a shit about what you miss during projectiles. Rather than questioning what plot points have passed, you’ll be focused on how there’s possibly that much liquid between your mouth and your urethra? More? Jesus. HELLLLLK. (That’s my barf noise, everybody’s got one.)

We’ve all been desensitized to 20-somethings playing high school students. The limits of believability were tested when in 1990 Ian Ziering played Steve Sanders on 90210 at age 26. Not to mention his classmate Andrea Zuckerman, aka Gabrielle Carteris, who, at three years his senior, played a junior. Somehow Emma Stone broke the force field of my imagination, driving me to ask, “Is this girl supposed to be in high school?” The script didn’t really give her a chance. Someone more secure might have told her agent, “No thanks, but what else you got?" Stone’s talent is like the power drill in my utility closet. She’s got the thing. She just needs to learn how to use it. You don’t need a man. Hang some shelves, girl.

One prediction I can make based on the film is Penn Badgley will not be a leading man. He may want to take a meeting with Peter Jackson regarding the two Hobbit installments currently in pre-production. New Zealand’s population cannot possibly accommodate the movies’ needs for background elves. Buy a plane ticket at the international terminal Badgley and don’t look back.

I give this movie an “Easy F” for Fuck! I wasted $4.99 (Someday a guy will make me my poop playing card graphics so I can have a universal rating system. Example: Straight Flush = a full hand of diarrhea.)

Disclaimer: If you’re wondering why I watch these Hollywood excretions in the first place, here goes. My ‘lazy movie day’ buddy sees all the good stuff in the theater and knowing I’m totally codependent and I’ll watch anything, she takes full advantage of my weaknesses. I blame her, but also thank her for this fantastic fodder, perfect defenseless targets for an inexperienced film critic.

Brother Jimmy, I'm Sorry But It's Over Between Us...Or Is It?

WARNING: The following entry contains topics of a sexual nature. Please navigate away from the page if we are blood relatives. (I was raised Catholic and Catholics don't talk about sex, ever.)

Last night I attended a birthday gathering for a friend of a friend at Brother Jimmy's BBQ in Murray Hill. Holy shiz! What a shit show. A super entertaining hilarious shit show full of former pledges and future CEOs. Through this experience, in which I observed the "loosened tie" and "this may look like a bottle job, but it's not" crowd suck neon liquid from a fishbowl as fast as humanly possible using a collection of three-foot straws, I was reminded of several relevant 'tidbits of life' that I would like to share.

1. You don't have to go to a tropical island (or anywhere warm) to experience spring break.

Certain people are spring breaking it all year round. It doesn't matter where you are or what month it is, you can pour beer all over yourself wherever and whenever you want. Most prefer mouth / face and after dark, but you can create any combo you desire, not like a McDonald's Value Meal which is so limiting.

2. People are still talking about "the shocker" even after elementary school.

"Two in the pink, one in the stink!" they yelled with hands raised, their ring fingers pinned down by their thumbs. They laughed and screamed and shook their shockers until they felt the negative energy emanating from the next table. Their amusement ceased as they saw a woman wearing what was proven to be the most hideous look of horror on her face. That woman was me. I didn't mean to make such a face or even stare as hard as I did, but I was genuinely shocked by the shocker. How could they be making light of something so near and dear to my heart? My ex and I called it the sweetie pie, a much more fitting tag for a maneuver that leaves you feeling nothing but warm and fuzzy.

3. It is not a small world after all.

The world is, in fact, very large, which is why we have words like massive and huge. In New York especially, we find ourselves recognizing bizarre connections and few degrees of separation between the people we consider our friends, colleagues, and acquaintances. This is not a coincidence. This is because we stick to our kind; like-minded people, in close proximity, with relatively comparable levels of attractiveness. (Take the compliment!) When was the last time you said, "Hey everyone this is my friend Mort. He collects snakes and eats only canned spaghetti and lives on an abandoned water taxi. Don't ask him about the wart." To which a friend replies, "I know Mort, we studied film together at NYU." This would not happen because Mort is not part of your Frunity, the group of people with which you are most likely to associate (sorry, I'm rereading Cat's Cradle). Frunity is an abbreviation for Friend Unit. The 'y' is just for fun. Last night, I realized my Frunity is very small. There is an entire world of people, that I don't know, living and doin stuff without me. How they're managing, I'm not quite sure.

Now I'm not writing off Bro J's or similar establishments entirely. I'm completely open to experiencing other Frunities. Who knows? The future father of my child(ren), adopted baby, or purse dog could be sucking down a fishbowl at this very moment. And who am I to say, "Stop sucking!"? I would never say this, nor would I want someone to say this to me. (Implementation of the Golden Rule. You're welcome, Grandma.) I say, "Suck on! brothers and sisters and may our Frunities frunite sooner than later!

Wanted - Movie Review

My dear friend Lucy and I recently watched Wanted via Movies On Demand. We chose this flick because James McAvoy is a babe and we wanted to look at him for a long time. His performance in The Last King of Scotland set the standard for what I expect from him as an actor and as eye candy. Since then, I’ve been let down.

I suspected the movie was going to be rough the moment I heard McAvoy’s “American” accent. My suspicions were confirmed as a terrible modern rock song was introduced to the soundtrack. It was like Creed meets even more throaty and desperate. I did enjoy repeating aloud the line “curve the bullet” throughout the movie. That made me laugh. But what made me sad was that Morgan Freeman agreed to be in the film. Why Morgan? Why did you do that? Are you that hard up? Is the economy that bad? I’ll still always think of you as Red in The Shawshank Redemption or as God in Bruce Almighty. Stay gold, Morgan.

I get why the others did it. James McAvoy is still making a name for himself and has to kill the competition for such roles, so he put on his Tobey Maguire pants and appeared sweaty and drooly for two hours. Look out Shia LaBeouf because McAvoy is awesome at panicking. But James, I really like you better as a hot faun or a hot Scot. We know Angelina did it for the paycheck. With all those mouths to feed, she’s got an eternal excuse for taking shitty roles. Angie must really be sacrificing for her kids because it didn’t look like she’d eaten in quite some time. Maybe the Octomom should take up acting, pay them bills, and feed them babies. Obviously you don’t have to be talented to land a big role or even win an Oscar…better yet two Oscars. Yes, Sean Penn, I’m talking to you. Overall Wanted was a real stinker. Turn on the exhaust fan and get the Glade® PlugIns®, this movie gets 5 Turds for a Royal Flush. (insert graphic of 5 poopies on playing cards)

Welcome to blogging, Gina. Why, thank you and welcome to my blog.

Oh! Hello.  Thanks for stopping by my blog.  It's a place on the Internet where I can type and post things that I think.  If I were using a pen and paper it would be called writing.  You may have noticed that it's 2009.  I noticed too.  That's why I'm starting a blog, because for two thousand and nine years people have gone without reading my thoughts.  I don't expect you to have super powers (that would be rude) so I've been kind enough to share what's on my mind, here, in my blog.  Maybe by 4018 the world won't be such a silly place, if I keep blogging that is.  I believe I can change the world, but I need your help.  The world is heavy and I'm not that strong.  Most of my strength is in my legs.  In a fight I'm almost certain to revert to the crab defense.  So just sit back, put your legs in the air, and start kicking.  And while you're at it, enjoy this journey with me.