Easy A - Movie Review

I fell asleep. Actually, I puked during most of it. It’s the perfect movie to watch during a New Year’s hangover because you won’t give a shit about what you miss during projectiles. Rather than questioning what plot points have passed, you’ll be focused on how there’s possibly that much liquid between your mouth and your urethra? More? Jesus. HELLLLLK. (That’s my barf noise, everybody’s got one.)

We’ve all been desensitized to 20-somethings playing high school students. The limits of believability were tested when in 1990 Ian Ziering played Steve Sanders on 90210 at age 26. Not to mention his classmate Andrea Zuckerman, aka Gabrielle Carteris, who, at three years his senior, played a junior. Somehow Emma Stone broke the force field of my imagination, driving me to ask, “Is this girl supposed to be in high school?” The script didn’t really give her a chance. Someone more secure might have told her agent, “No thanks, but what else you got?" Stone’s talent is like the power drill in my utility closet. She’s got the thing. She just needs to learn how to use it. You don’t need a man. Hang some shelves, girl.

One prediction I can make based on the film is Penn Badgley will not be a leading man. He may want to take a meeting with Peter Jackson regarding the two Hobbit installments currently in pre-production. New Zealand’s population cannot possibly accommodate the movies’ needs for background elves. Buy a plane ticket at the international terminal Badgley and don’t look back.

I give this movie an “Easy F” for Fuck! I wasted $4.99 (Someday a guy will make me my poop playing card graphics so I can have a universal rating system. Example: Straight Flush = a full hand of diarrhea.)

Disclaimer: If you’re wondering why I watch these Hollywood excretions in the first place, here goes. My ‘lazy movie day’ buddy sees all the good stuff in the theater and knowing I’m totally codependent and I’ll watch anything, she takes full advantage of my weaknesses. I blame her, but also thank her for this fantastic fodder, perfect defenseless targets for an inexperienced film critic.

Wanted - Movie Review

My dear friend Lucy and I recently watched Wanted via Movies On Demand. We chose this flick because James McAvoy is a babe and we wanted to look at him for a long time. His performance in The Last King of Scotland set the standard for what I expect from him as an actor and as eye candy. Since then, I’ve been let down.

I suspected the movie was going to be rough the moment I heard McAvoy’s “American” accent. My suspicions were confirmed as a terrible modern rock song was introduced to the soundtrack. It was like Creed meets even more throaty and desperate. I did enjoy repeating aloud the line “curve the bullet” throughout the movie. That made me laugh. But what made me sad was that Morgan Freeman agreed to be in the film. Why Morgan? Why did you do that? Are you that hard up? Is the economy that bad? I’ll still always think of you as Red in The Shawshank Redemption or as God in Bruce Almighty. Stay gold, Morgan.

I get why the others did it. James McAvoy is still making a name for himself and has to kill the competition for such roles, so he put on his Tobey Maguire pants and appeared sweaty and drooly for two hours. Look out Shia LaBeouf because McAvoy is awesome at panicking. But James, I really like you better as a hot faun or a hot Scot. We know Angelina did it for the paycheck. With all those mouths to feed, she’s got an eternal excuse for taking shitty roles. Angie must really be sacrificing for her kids because it didn’t look like she’d eaten in quite some time. Maybe the Octomom should take up acting, pay them bills, and feed them babies. Obviously you don’t have to be talented to land a big role or even win an Oscar…better yet two Oscars. Yes, Sean Penn, I’m talking to you. Overall Wanted was a real stinker. Turn on the exhaust fan and get the Glade® PlugIns®, this movie gets 5 Turds for a Royal Flush. (insert graphic of 5 poopies on playing cards)