Convicted! Of Being Terrible

Conviction

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1244754/

I developed an acute case of Restless Leg Syndrome during this film.

This movie Conviction is a true story about a guy who goes to jail for murder! and his sister, being all in love with him and stuff, does everything in her power to get him out.

There was so much weird sexual tension between all these family members - Betty Anne Waters (Hilary Swank) and her bro Kenny Waters (Sam Rockwell), Sam Rockwell (Kenny Waters) and the baby that played his daughter (Water's daughter). It made me so uncomfy, I just wanted to go to church and talk to someone who was really familiar with the topic.

The greatest crime committed was this movie being made. Who the what the. This was straight up (now tell me) horrendous. I've experienced bigger and better story arcs on my walks from the living room to the kitchen (I live in a railroad apartment).

How can so many people work together to create a mediocre work of fart? Juliet Lewis said on Jimmy Falon that this was the biggest transformation she's made since ever. I'm sorry, but Juliet Lewis you transformed from Juliet Lewis into Juliet Lewis with poor people teeth. Like Catherine Keaner, she's a good actress, but too distinct to foster suspension of disbelief, hillbilly chompers or no hillbilly chompers.

I've forgiven a lot of people for a lot of things (Ricky Benjamin, 3rd grade during recess by the swings - still haven't let go of the thing you said by the slide), but I will never pardon horsey face Hilary Swank for having two Oscars while Kate Winslet my sweet English rosebud has the loneliest number of Oscars. One. For The Reader. Not even her bestest role. Loud, inquisitive: Finding Neverlannnnd!? Louder, more inquisitive: Little Childrennnnn!?!? Outraged slash through the roof!: Eternal Sunshiiiiine?!!!!!!!!!?

Elderly White Men of The Academy, we get it, you like uncomfortably long scenes featuring naked females aka porn. You also like bio pics aka mimicry. What fun! Oh! And anything to do with Clint Eastwood aka old, wrinkled, boring aka Elderly White Men of The Academy. I can say with conviction that I never want to watch a movie starring Horse Face again. Sorry about your legacy Amelia Earhart.

I find Conviction guilty of being a Full House of Incestuous Diarrhea sentenced to life in the crapper. (My rating system is playing cards, like poker hands, with poops on them).