127 OWW-ERS

Suddenly! Like a turtlehead, something nudges me to push. Here...come...my...opinions.

127 Hours, more like 127 Oww-ers!

Whoever said it seemed impossible to make a feature out of Aron Ralston's story was right.

James Franco, question mark. What was that accent that you were using sometimes?

Director and film editor, exclamation point. Fabulous split screen techniques. Loved your work in the opening for NBC's Parks & Rec and every internal corporate video about "insert name of company not actually making strides in environmental safety"'s environmental safety strides.

If only Aron Ralston could turn back the clock, I wonder if he would have masturbated between those rocks? I tell you Prospective Dangerously Foolish Rock Climbers / Thrill Seeky Types, if you're ever pinned up against a boulder thinking someday they might make a movie about your story starring James Franco or future equivalent, please masturbate. Please masturbate. If you don't, you're robbing us of an awesomely grossy weird scene for us Couch Thrill Seeky Types. And that would be selfish of you.

OK wow he cut his arm off.

Please masturbate.

Rating: This movie is a piece of shit. It gets one card with a coily turd on it. I can't spend any more time on this to deal a full hand.

(My rating system is playing cards with poops on them in case you're not familiar).