WARNING: The following entry contains topics of a sexual nature. Please navigate away from the page if we are blood relatives. (I was raised Catholic and Catholics don't talk about sex, ever.)
1. You don't have to go to a tropical island (or anywhere warm) to experience spring break.
Certain people are spring breaking it all year round. It doesn't matter where you are or what month it is, you can pour beer all over yourself wherever and whenever you want. Most prefer mouth / face and after dark, but you can create any combo you desire, not like a McDonald's Value Meal which is so limiting.
2. People are still talking about "the shocker" even after elementary school.
"Two in the pink, one in the stink!" they yelled with hands raised, their ring fingers pinned down by their thumbs. They laughed and screamed and shook their shockers until they felt the negative energy emanating from the next table. Their amusement ceased as they saw a woman wearing what was proven to be the most hideous look of horror on her face. That woman was me. I didn't mean to make such a face or even stare as hard as I did, but I was genuinely shocked by the shocker. How could they be making light of something so near and dear to my heart? My ex and I called it the sweetie pie, a much more fitting tag for a maneuver that leaves you feeling nothing but warm and fuzzy.
3. It is not a small world after all.
The world is, in fact, very large, which is why we have words like massive and huge. In New York especially, we find ourselves recognizing bizarre connections and few degrees of separation between the people we consider our friends, colleagues, and acquaintances. This is not a coincidence. This is because we stick to our kind; like-minded people, in close proximity, with relatively comparable levels of attractiveness. (Take the compliment!) When was the last time you said, "Hey everyone this is my friend Mort. He collects snakes and eats only canned spaghetti and lives on an abandoned water taxi. Don't ask him about the wart." To which a friend replies, "I know Mort, we studied film together at NYU." This would not happen because Mort is not part of your Frunity, the group of people with which you are most likely to associate (sorry, I'm rereading Cat's Cradle). Frunity is an abbreviation for Friend Unit. The 'y' is just for fun. Last night, I realized my Frunity is very small. There is an entire world of people, that I don't know, living and doin stuff without me. How they're managing, I'm not quite sure.
Now I'm not writing off Bro J's or similar establishments entirely. I'm completely open to experiencing other Frunities. Who knows? The future father of my child(ren), adopted baby, or purse dog could be sucking down a fishbowl at this very moment. And who am I to say, "Stop sucking!"? I would never say this, nor would I want someone to say this to me. (Implementation of the Golden Rule. You're welcome, Grandma.) I say, "Suck on! brothers and sisters and may our Frunities frunite sooner than later!
