"Things I Did Today" Poetry Series - January 16, 2012

Things I did today:

Went for a run in the cold, came home, burped profusely for 3 hours, went to watch sketch comedy, burped during sketch comedy, walked & burped in the cold from 26th & 8th to 14th & 1st, bought groceries, ate what I hoped was the "Burp Cure Platter" (3 cold cut slices, a Fig Newman, & 12 spoonfuls of Purely Decadent Turtle Trails dairy free ice cream).

Burps leap from deep within my burp factory and not even the Burp Cure Platter can stop them.

127 OWW-ERS

Suddenly! Like a turtlehead, something nudges me to push. Here...come...my...opinions.

127 Hours, more like 127 Oww-ers!

Whoever said it seemed impossible to make a feature out of Aron Ralston's story was right.

James Franco, question mark. What was that accent that you were using sometimes?

Director and film editor, exclamation point. Fabulous split screen techniques. Loved your work in the opening for NBC's Parks & Rec and every internal corporate video about "insert name of company not actually making strides in environmental safety"'s environmental safety strides.

If only Aron Ralston could turn back the clock, I wonder if he would have masturbated between those rocks? I tell you Prospective Dangerously Foolish Rock Climbers / Thrill Seeky Types, if you're ever pinned up against a boulder thinking someday they might make a movie about your story starring James Franco or future equivalent, please masturbate. Please masturbate. If you don't, you're robbing us of an awesomely grossy weird scene for us Couch Thrill Seeky Types. And that would be selfish of you.

OK wow he cut his arm off.

Please masturbate.

Rating: This movie is a piece of shit. It gets one card with a coily turd on it. I can't spend any more time on this to deal a full hand.

(My rating system is playing cards with poops on them in case you're not familiar).

Convicted! Of Being Terrible

Conviction

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1244754/

I developed an acute case of Restless Leg Syndrome during this film.

This movie Conviction is a true story about a guy who goes to jail for murder! and his sister, being all in love with him and stuff, does everything in her power to get him out.

There was so much weird sexual tension between all these family members - Betty Anne Waters (Hilary Swank) and her bro Kenny Waters (Sam Rockwell), Sam Rockwell (Kenny Waters) and the baby that played his daughter (Water's daughter). It made me so uncomfy, I just wanted to go to church and talk to someone who was really familiar with the topic.

The greatest crime committed was this movie being made. Who the what the. This was straight up (now tell me) horrendous. I've experienced bigger and better story arcs on my walks from the living room to the kitchen (I live in a railroad apartment).

How can so many people work together to create a mediocre work of fart? Juliet Lewis said on Jimmy Falon that this was the biggest transformation she's made since ever. I'm sorry, but Juliet Lewis you transformed from Juliet Lewis into Juliet Lewis with poor people teeth. Like Catherine Keaner, she's a good actress, but too distinct to foster suspension of disbelief, hillbilly chompers or no hillbilly chompers.

I've forgiven a lot of people for a lot of things (Ricky Benjamin, 3rd grade during recess by the swings - still haven't let go of the thing you said by the slide), but I will never pardon horsey face Hilary Swank for having two Oscars while Kate Winslet my sweet English rosebud has the loneliest number of Oscars. One. For The Reader. Not even her bestest role. Loud, inquisitive: Finding Neverlannnnd!? Louder, more inquisitive: Little Childrennnnn!?!? Outraged slash through the roof!: Eternal Sunshiiiiine?!!!!!!!!!?

Elderly White Men of The Academy, we get it, you like uncomfortably long scenes featuring naked females aka porn. You also like bio pics aka mimicry. What fun! Oh! And anything to do with Clint Eastwood aka old, wrinkled, boring aka Elderly White Men of The Academy. I can say with conviction that I never want to watch a movie starring Horse Face again. Sorry about your legacy Amelia Earhart.

I find Conviction guilty of being a Full House of Incestuous Diarrhea sentenced to life in the crapper. (My rating system is playing cards, like poker hands, with poops on them).

Dear Future Husband or Ouch! My Nads

Dear Future Husband Reading This Letter After We’ve Been Married Several Years,

Sorry I couldn't give you any children. My ovaries went berserk nutz cuz I refused to accept that laptops had become “notebooks.” It was all very confusing because they still looked the same. I guess I should have kept the laptop, I mean notebook, away from my gonads like they told me at Best Buy. Either way, my thighs are really hot. But you already know that.

Love Always,

Your Still Smoking Hot Wife, Which Partially Makes Up For My Barren Desert of a Uterus,

Gina

PS: I’m not actually one of those girls who refers to herself as smokin’ hot, I’m just going by what others have told me.

Easy A - Movie Review

I fell asleep. Actually, I puked during most of it. It’s the perfect movie to watch during a New Year’s hangover because you won’t give a shit about what you miss during projectiles. Rather than questioning what plot points have passed, you’ll be focused on how there’s possibly that much liquid between your mouth and your urethra? More? Jesus. HELLLLLK. (That’s my barf noise, everybody’s got one.)

We’ve all been desensitized to 20-somethings playing high school students. The limits of believability were tested when in 1990 Ian Ziering played Steve Sanders on 90210 at age 26. Not to mention his classmate Andrea Zuckerman, aka Gabrielle Carteris, who, at three years his senior, played a junior. Somehow Emma Stone broke the force field of my imagination, driving me to ask, “Is this girl supposed to be in high school?” The script didn’t really give her a chance. Someone more secure might have told her agent, “No thanks, but what else you got?" Stone’s talent is like the power drill in my utility closet. She’s got the thing. She just needs to learn how to use it. You don’t need a man. Hang some shelves, girl.

One prediction I can make based on the film is Penn Badgley will not be a leading man. He may want to take a meeting with Peter Jackson regarding the two Hobbit installments currently in pre-production. New Zealand’s population cannot possibly accommodate the movies’ needs for background elves. Buy a plane ticket at the international terminal Badgley and don’t look back.

I give this movie an “Easy F” for Fuck! I wasted $4.99 (Someday a guy will make me my poop playing card graphics so I can have a universal rating system. Example: Straight Flush = a full hand of diarrhea.)

Disclaimer: If you’re wondering why I watch these Hollywood excretions in the first place, here goes. My ‘lazy movie day’ buddy sees all the good stuff in the theater and knowing I’m totally codependent and I’ll watch anything, she takes full advantage of my weaknesses. I blame her, but also thank her for this fantastic fodder, perfect defenseless targets for an inexperienced film critic.

Brother Jimmy, I'm Sorry But It's Over Between Us...Or Is It?

WARNING: The following entry contains topics of a sexual nature. Please navigate away from the page if we are blood relatives. (I was raised Catholic and Catholics don't talk about sex, ever.)

Last night I attended a birthday gathering for a friend of a friend at Brother Jimmy's BBQ in Murray Hill. Holy shiz! What a shit show. A super entertaining hilarious shit show full of former pledges and future CEOs. Through this experience, in which I observed the "loosened tie" and "this may look like a bottle job, but it's not" crowd suck neon liquid from a fishbowl as fast as humanly possible using a collection of three-foot straws, I was reminded of several relevant 'tidbits of life' that I would like to share.

1. You don't have to go to a tropical island (or anywhere warm) to experience spring break.

Certain people are spring breaking it all year round. It doesn't matter where you are or what month it is, you can pour beer all over yourself wherever and whenever you want. Most prefer mouth / face and after dark, but you can create any combo you desire, not like a McDonald's Value Meal which is so limiting.

2. People are still talking about "the shocker" even after elementary school.

"Two in the pink, one in the stink!" they yelled with hands raised, their ring fingers pinned down by their thumbs. They laughed and screamed and shook their shockers until they felt the negative energy emanating from the next table. Their amusement ceased as they saw a woman wearing what was proven to be the most hideous look of horror on her face. That woman was me. I didn't mean to make such a face or even stare as hard as I did, but I was genuinely shocked by the shocker. How could they be making light of something so near and dear to my heart? My ex and I called it the sweetie pie, a much more fitting tag for a maneuver that leaves you feeling nothing but warm and fuzzy.

3. It is not a small world after all.

The world is, in fact, very large, which is why we have words like massive and huge. In New York especially, we find ourselves recognizing bizarre connections and few degrees of separation between the people we consider our friends, colleagues, and acquaintances. This is not a coincidence. This is because we stick to our kind; like-minded people, in close proximity, with relatively comparable levels of attractiveness. (Take the compliment!) When was the last time you said, "Hey everyone this is my friend Mort. He collects snakes and eats only canned spaghetti and lives on an abandoned water taxi. Don't ask him about the wart." To which a friend replies, "I know Mort, we studied film together at NYU." This would not happen because Mort is not part of your Frunity, the group of people with which you are most likely to associate (sorry, I'm rereading Cat's Cradle). Frunity is an abbreviation for Friend Unit. The 'y' is just for fun. Last night, I realized my Frunity is very small. There is an entire world of people, that I don't know, living and doin stuff without me. How they're managing, I'm not quite sure.

Now I'm not writing off Bro J's or similar establishments entirely. I'm completely open to experiencing other Frunities. Who knows? The future father of my child(ren), adopted baby, or purse dog could be sucking down a fishbowl at this very moment. And who am I to say, "Stop sucking!"? I would never say this, nor would I want someone to say this to me. (Implementation of the Golden Rule. You're welcome, Grandma.) I say, "Suck on! brothers and sisters and may our Frunities frunite sooner than later!

Wanted - Movie Review

My dear friend Lucy and I recently watched Wanted via Movies On Demand. We chose this flick because James McAvoy is a babe and we wanted to look at him for a long time. His performance in The Last King of Scotland set the standard for what I expect from him as an actor and as eye candy. Since then, I’ve been let down.

I suspected the movie was going to be rough the moment I heard McAvoy’s “American” accent. My suspicions were confirmed as a terrible modern rock song was introduced to the soundtrack. It was like Creed meets even more throaty and desperate. I did enjoy repeating aloud the line “curve the bullet” throughout the movie. That made me laugh. But what made me sad was that Morgan Freeman agreed to be in the film. Why Morgan? Why did you do that? Are you that hard up? Is the economy that bad? I’ll still always think of you as Red in The Shawshank Redemption or as God in Bruce Almighty. Stay gold, Morgan.

I get why the others did it. James McAvoy is still making a name for himself and has to kill the competition for such roles, so he put on his Tobey Maguire pants and appeared sweaty and drooly for two hours. Look out Shia LaBeouf because McAvoy is awesome at panicking. But James, I really like you better as a hot faun or a hot Scot. We know Angelina did it for the paycheck. With all those mouths to feed, she’s got an eternal excuse for taking shitty roles. Angie must really be sacrificing for her kids because it didn’t look like she’d eaten in quite some time. Maybe the Octomom should take up acting, pay them bills, and feed them babies. Obviously you don’t have to be talented to land a big role or even win an Oscar…better yet two Oscars. Yes, Sean Penn, I’m talking to you. Overall Wanted was a real stinker. Turn on the exhaust fan and get the Glade® PlugIns®, this movie gets 5 Turds for a Royal Flush. (insert graphic of 5 poopies on playing cards)