Dear Future Husband or Ouch! My Nads

Dear Future Husband Reading This Letter After We’ve Been Married Several Years,

Sorry I couldn't give you any children. My ovaries went berserk nutz cuz I refused to accept that laptops had become “notebooks.” It was all very confusing because they still looked the same. I guess I should have kept the laptop, I mean notebook, away from my gonads like they told me at Best Buy. Either way, my thighs are really hot. But you already know that.

Love Always,

Your Still Smoking Hot Wife, Which Partially Makes Up For My Barren Desert of a Uterus,

Gina

PS: I’m not actually one of those girls who refers to herself as smokin’ hot, I’m just going by what others have told me.

Easy A - Movie Review

I fell asleep. Actually, I puked during most of it. It’s the perfect movie to watch during a New Year’s hangover because you won’t give a shit about what you miss during projectiles. Rather than questioning what plot points have passed, you’ll be focused on how there’s possibly that much liquid between your mouth and your urethra? More? Jesus. HELLLLLK. (That’s my barf noise, everybody’s got one.)

We’ve all been desensitized to 20-somethings playing high school students. The limits of believability were tested when in 1990 Ian Ziering played Steve Sanders on 90210 at age 26. Not to mention his classmate Andrea Zuckerman, aka Gabrielle Carteris, who, at three years his senior, played a junior. Somehow Emma Stone broke the force field of my imagination, driving me to ask, “Is this girl supposed to be in high school?” The script didn’t really give her a chance. Someone more secure might have told her agent, “No thanks, but what else you got?" Stone’s talent is like the power drill in my utility closet. She’s got the thing. She just needs to learn how to use it. You don’t need a man. Hang some shelves, girl.

One prediction I can make based on the film is Penn Badgley will not be a leading man. He may want to take a meeting with Peter Jackson regarding the two Hobbit installments currently in pre-production. New Zealand’s population cannot possibly accommodate the movies’ needs for background elves. Buy a plane ticket at the international terminal Badgley and don’t look back.

I give this movie an “Easy F” for Fuck! I wasted $4.99 (Someday a guy will make me my poop playing card graphics so I can have a universal rating system. Example: Straight Flush = a full hand of diarrhea.)

Disclaimer: If you’re wondering why I watch these Hollywood excretions in the first place, here goes. My ‘lazy movie day’ buddy sees all the good stuff in the theater and knowing I’m totally codependent and I’ll watch anything, she takes full advantage of my weaknesses. I blame her, but also thank her for this fantastic fodder, perfect defenseless targets for an inexperienced film critic.